In the red

I’ve been grumpy since last week. And I know when you hear why, you will think Carly White, you have no grounds to feel that way! That’s part of the reason I’m so grumpy.

When you work for an Investment firm, you receive an annual “substantial bonus”. This “substantial bonus” is supposedly calculated by gnomes in an underground, under-lit, secret compound. Like the Fight Club, no one is to speak of their substantial bonus. It appears in your bank account – and that is that.

The deposit into my bank account last week was the largest deposit I have ever received into my crappy, no-interest earning, Washington Mutual Checking Account. In the big scheme of things, it’s not that much money. It’s certainly not “f-you” money, unfortunately. But, it is enough to make the tellers at the bank ask me about my “exciting investment opportunities”.

I am grumpy for a multitude of reasons. First of all, despite the balance in my checking account, I am too practical to buy the Burberry scarf I’ve been pining for, a 31mm Role of my own-e, or even the brand name products at the grocery store. I took my motorcycle safety class this weekend, passed, and haven’t stepped foot into the Vespa store to purchase my little buddy. I sure can, but I just can’t seem to do it. Secondly, a large portion of the money is already spent – OSU got a check, Mom and Dad got a check and various other silly things were paid. Easy come, easy go. Thirdly, I should be renewed and re-motivated and grateful, and I am not. I don’t feel free. I had this feeling in High School when a boy who liked me brought me flowers. I wanted the flowers, I liked the idea of getting flowers, but I didn’t like him. I didn’t feel free until the flowers turned brown and were thrown away.

Thanks to this bonus situation, I can never go back to Student Affairs where I made $38k in one year. My bank account is like a meth user whose brain has been altered after just one hit. You can’t buy happy, and a bonus does not confirm a job well done. And all of these things make me feel very much unbalanced.